Bài mẫu IELTS Writing Task 2: The number of young people involved in crime has been rising.

Bài học viên & chữa lỗi

Bài của học viên (band ước lượng 7.5)

It is indisputable that the increased the rise in juvenile crime has garnered widespread attention in recent years. This can be attributed to several factors, and there are myriad several effective measures that can be undertaken to remedy the situation.

This phenomenon arises from a combination of poverty and the frequent portrayal of graphic violent content on in the media. One main reason is that young offenders are often raised in low-income families. For instance, their basic human needs, in terms of such as food and housing, cannot may not be met, and they may feel they have no choice but to shoplift to reduce financial burdens. Additionally, violent media also promotes may also encourage juvenile delinquency. Aggressive content in movies may send wrong the wrong messages to young people that resolving conflicts by through brutal actions is acceptable or even heroic, leading to a rise in juvenile offensces.

Fortunately, a number of plausible practical solutions can be implemented to reduce youth crime. One viable approach is that the government can raise teens' awareness through launching campaigns that educate them about the consequences of their actions, which serves as an effective deterrent against taking part in unlawful acts The first way is to support young people from poor families. Governments can provide financial assistance and free vocational courses, which can help teenagers gain useful skills instead of turning to crime. Another feasible step is that law enforcement should implement rehabilitation programs. This method helps young lawbreakers connect with society while addressing extenuating circumstances such as poverty. For instance, teens convicted of vandalism should be sent to vocational training instead of being put in jail, which helps them to integrate into society to restrict young people's exposure to violent media. This can be achieved by enforcing stricter age ratings on films and games and encouraging parents to monitor what their children watch.

In conclusion, there are a multitude of various reasons why more young people commit offensces, such as poverty and violent media, yet through collaborative efforts by the government and organizations, a number of effective strategies can be taken to combat increased juvenile crime rates and ensure public security by supporting poor families and limiting young people's access to violent content, governments and parents can reduce youth crime.

Nhận xét của thầy

• Điểm mạnh: hai nguyên nhân rõ ràng, mỗi nguyên nhân có giải thích và ví dụ / hệ quả; bố cục mạch lạc; ngữ pháp chính xác; vốn từ tốt (juvenile delinquency, shoplift, rehabilitation programmes, integrate into society).
• Giải pháp không khớp nguyên nhân (lỗi chính): thân bài 1 nêu nghèo đói và phim ảnh bạo lực, nhưng thân bài 2 đưa ra chiến dịch tuyên truyền và chương trình cải tạo; không giải pháp nào nhắm vào nội dung bạo lực. Mỗi giải pháp nên trả lời đúng một nguyên nhân đã nêu.
• Ý chương trình cải tạo (học nghề thay vì vào tù) là ý hay, nhưng đó là cách xử lý SAU khi phạm tội. Có thể giữ làm ví dụ, nhưng cần thêm giải pháp phòng ngừa tương ứng với nguyên nhân.
• Khẳng định quá tuyệt đối: "cannot be met", "which serves as an effective deterrent", "ensure public security"; dùng "may / can".
• Diễn đạt: "One viable approach is that the government can…" gượng → "The first way is to…"; "graphic content on media" → "violent content in the media"; "the increased juvenile crime" → "the rise in juvenile crime"; "extenuating circumstances" là thuật ngữ pháp lý (tình tiết giảm nhẹ), dùng ở đây chưa chính xác.
• Kết bài chung chung: nên tóm tắt cụ thể nguyên nhân và giải pháp đã nêu; "myriad", "a multitude of" lặp lại nhiều bài, nên dùng "several / various".
• Chính tả: "offenses / programs / organizations" nên thống nhất Anh – Anh (offences, programmes, organisations).